Forever Starts Now
by LeahAnne
Summary: Katniss and Peeta have survived the Rebellion. They start their lives over in District 12. How do they move on from the nightmares to their own happiness? How do they recover from a war where they lost everything except each other?
1. Chapter 1

Forever Starts Now

Chapter One

 **Author's Note:** It has been years since I have started a new story. Please bear with me as my writing is a bit rusty. This is a Katniss/Peeta Hunger Games fan fiction. I am trying to make this mostly canon, but some things may be a bit off because I've not read the books in years. I just watched Mockingjay Part 2 last weekend and it spurred my creativity.

* * *

It was so unbelievably quiet when I returned to District 12. Not a living soul around, except for Prim's cat. He and I were almost friends now. After all of the nightmares and the pain and revolution, I had three things left of Prim… her cat, my Mockingjay pin, and the near-constant swirl of memories in my head.

The house was full of dust and dirt and the remnants of the bomb that the Capitol had dropped in the Seam. The first few days I was home, I buried myself in cleaning. I wondered if I scrubbed the marble floors hard enough if I could scrub away the ill thoughts embedded in my head.

Sleep didn't come easily for me anymore. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the bomb, heard the cries of the children, saw Gale's face as I told him goodbye, saw Snow's face as the crowd converged on him, saw Coin's look of shock as my perfect arrow met its target. I recalled the many, many friends I'd lost and the grisly ends they'd all met – how close I came to losing my own life.

In many ways, I did lose my own life. I was left a shadow of my former self. The person I was before the Games and before the Revolution was not the same person I was now.

Two long weeks passed. I had cleaned the entire mansion from the top to the bottom. I had hunted outside the gates of the city. The first few times I had ventured out, I felt the familiar panic, remembered how risky something so simple had been before.

I was returning from a successful hunt, a pheasant in hand, when I saw someone up ahead digging in the garden. My right hand wrapped tighter around my bow and I paused, dropping the bird and reaching for an arrow.

The person stood up and his blonde hair met the sunlight as he turned around, dusting his hands off on his pants.

 _Peeta._

 _He was home._

My heart thudded still and my bow fell to the ground. And before I knew it, I was running toward him.

"Katniss," he said, grinning. "I found some flowers in the garden. They're primrose."

The bright yellow flowers stood boldly against the monotonous gray… something that would never have been allowed before. I couldn't help but smile. They were beautiful.

Suddenly, I was in his arms, the loneliness of the last two weeks melted away. He was home.

A thunderstorm came the next day. I slept in, having had my first full night of sleep in months. I woke up to the smell of bread in the oven and the smell of meat sizzling on the stove.

I wrapped my sweater around my arms and headed down the stairs. The kitchen was dim. Peeta was pulling a loaf of bread out of the oven, his back of me. He had a lamp on the counter behind him.

"Good morning," I said.

He jumped. He quickly turned around and sat the pan on the counter top, looking up at me. "I didn't expect you to be awake so soon," he said. "I was going to surprise you with breakfast."

"You still surprised me," I said, coming around the counter and pulling out a stool. "Thank you."

"It's so quiet now," he said. "Other than the cat. He's kept me company today."

"He's nicer now," I said. "Guess he feels like he has to be nice to us if he wants to be fed… now that Prim's not here to cater to him."

"You okay?" Peeta asked, looking up at me hesitantly.

"No," I said, sighing. "You're not either though."

"You're right," he replied. "I'm not. That was a stupid question."

"There are no stupid questions," I said. "I'm better now that you're here. I think I was losing my mind there for a few days. It's not good to be lost in your own thoughts for too long."

"I know that feeling," Peeta said darkly.

I wrapped my arms around myself, staring at the counter dully. "I notice Haymitch didn't come with you."

"He mentioned something about heading back this way," Peeta said, pulling a knife out to slice the warm bread in front of him. "He and Effie didn't want to say goodbye."

I smiled. Haymitch deserved to be happy. Effie too.

"What?" Peeta asked, setting the knife down on the counter.

"It's just good to know that they're happy. With as dark as it has been lately, it's good to know that there's still some goodness in the world."

"Yeah, but it's still raining," Peeta said, looking outside. A crash of thunder ricocheted through the sky in the distance.

I took his hand and walked toward the kitchen door. I opened it, feeling the mist from the rain kiss my cheeks. I sat down on the step before the porch, hugging my knees to my chest. Peeta took a seat across from me and we just sat there quietly.

That was the best thing about Peeta. We could enjoy each other's company without having to say a word. I looked out toward the rain pouring in the distance, watched as a duck hopped through a puddle in the road, preening its feathers, without a care in the world.

Life still moved on, the world was still spinning… despite District 12 being completely and totally bare and devoid of human presence other than Peeta and I, this duck was still happy.

It was still an ignorant duck.

I tore my gaze away from the duck to see Peeta watching me, that look in his eyes I'd seen only too many times before.

Peeta was the only person I had left in the world who truly understood every single thing I'd been through. He was the only person from my past that still had a place in my future. He was the only person who understood what District 12 was like and the only person who had been by my side through the Games.

I no longer had Gale or Finnick or Prim or anyone else who had been by my side.

There was only him.

"You okay?" he finally asked.

"No," I said. "You're not either though."

"Didn't we just have this conversation five minutes ago?" he asked, a smile flickering across his face. "You always say that so we focus on me instead of focusing on you when you need it. Katniss, the Games are over. You can stop trying to protect me. There is no more Snow and no more Coin. It's over."

I nodded, seeing the tears welling up in my eyes. My heart clenched painfully.

"I'm not crazy," I told him. Sure, District 13 probably thought I was after killing Coin, but they didn't _understand_. No one understood. I'd once been the Mockingjay. Now, sitting here with Peeta, I was alone. I was banished – even though it was because of me that Panem was free.

"I know. And Paylor will make sure that you're acquitted and that everyone knows that you did what you had to for Panem, not just for yourself," Peeta reassured me. "It's okay."

We were alone, Peeta and I. We'd survived, but we'd lost nearly everything in the process. Peeta had lost his parents and his two brothers and I had lost my father and Prim and my mother was off building a new hospital in District 4. She would never come back. Prim would never come back. Mr. Mellark would _never come back._

"It's lonely," I said, wiping away the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

Peeta reached over and held my hand tightly. "Katniss, you will never be alone."

* * *

The storm outside thundered threateningly, shaking me from my nightmares. I reached over, turning on the lamp on my nightstand.

I pushed the blankets away from me and grabbed the lamp, tiptoeing quietly toward Peeta's room. It was dark, but I could make out Peeta looking up toward the ceiling. He wasn't sleeping either.

I sat the lamp on the nightstand near the side of the bed and climbed in next to him. He shifted, placing an arm around me and I rested my hand on his chest.

"You love me," he said. "Real or not real?"

He already knew the answer. I didn't know why he questioned it. I felt his chest tighten nervously.

"Real," I said, looking up at him, never hesitating.

He was quiet. I knew he was thinking, wanting to make sure he said the right words. I knew it was probable he didn't want to let me in too much.

"My dad was a great person," he said slowly.

"I know," I said, not sure why he was bringing up the painful memories of his family. "You don't speak of him much, but you seem a lot like him. He brought me cookies the day of the Reaping."

"When I was five years old and started kindergarten, he brought me to school and pointed you out. He told me he had been in love with your mother years and years ago. But she chose your father over him and moved to the Seam and although he watched her from afar, he never spoke to her again. He was broken hearted and decided to move on with his life. He met my mother and they married quickly. She soon became pregnant with my oldest brother."

I listened to the story. Much of it he had told me before. I was unsure as to why this mattered now, now that they were all gone.

"All my life, I watched my father treat my mother like silver. He loved her very much, but after that conversation, I realized he never loved her half as much as he loved yours. My mother became angry and bitter. She knew she was second in my father's eyes, a consolation prize of sorts. She took that anger out of me. When I first saw you when we were just kids, I fell in love with you. It pained me to see you starving, to see you hurt… and even now, when everything I ever wanted is in front of me and everything I ever had is gone, I realize the similarities. All my dad ever wanted was your mother and all I ever wanted was you. And yet for so long, you wanted Gale. I felt a fraction of that pain and never ever told him. And now I'll never get to."

He was crying.

"Peeta…" I said, looking up and wiping the tears off of his face.

"It's not even a fair fight," he said, sighing. "Gale screwed up and you picked me because I'm the only one who has nowhere else to go but here."

"Not true," I said, shaking my head. "I could always choose Haymitch."

I felt him tense up and then he started laughing.

"Really?" he asked. "You wouldn't."

I paused. "No, I wouldn't," I said. "But you're the only one who cared to come back for me. I don't see Gale here begging for forgiveness. I don't see Haymitch here. I don't see anyone else here but you."

He pressed a sweet kiss to my lips.

"I love you, Katniss Everdeen," he said.

"I love you too, Peeta," I replied.

We fell asleep in each other's arms that night. It was the last night either of us would be alone.

* * *

Weeks turned into months.

I was getting restless. The house in Victor's Village was becoming stifling. While Peeta had the luxury to venture out of the confines of District 12, I was becoming more and more irritated by the fact that I was not allowed to leave. Until Paylor had officially pardoned me, I was under strict orders to not leave District 12 for any reason.

Haymitch had not returned. Peeta brought news that he and Effie had married in the Capitol and while I was glad for them, I missed them both terribly. I understood that they were both head over heels in love, but a little happiness would have been nice to lighten up my mood.

I had slept in, nightmares having kept me up for most of the night. I came outside, the bitter cold biting through my jacket. Peeta was outside working on a large structure behind the house.

"What's this?" I asked, looking up at the structure that was nearly as tall as me.

"I talked to Haymitch and he said that he had a connection over in District 10. They are bringing us a handful of animals. Two goats and some chickens. That way, we will have eggs and milk instead of just water and bread and meat."

"They?" I asked, my eyes wide in surprise.

"Haymitch and Effie," he said, not looking at me. He drove a few more nails in the wood.

"When are they going to be here?" I asked him.

"Tomorrow," he replied. "I was trying to get this chicken coop completed and I wanted to at least have a shelter and fence for the goats."

"Do you need help?" I asked. "I can run in and get on something a bit warmer and we can get this all done."

"No," Peeta replied. "I've got it."

"But that's a lot of work for you to – "

"Katniss, I said I've got it!" he said loudly.

"Fine," I said coldly. "I'll make dinner."

I stormed back into the house, slamming the door shut. I gripped the kitchen counter in front of the sink, wanting to scream.

The door opened and I felt Peeta's arms around me. I jerked away from him.

"Katniss, I'm sorry," he said softly.

I turned to look at him and he tucked my dark hair behind my ear.

"I was trying to surprise you," he said quietly. "You were sleeping so soundly that I thought I could get the majority of this done before you woke up. The coop is almost done and I grabbed some chicken wire from the ruins of 12. I was going to dismantle the fence that was left from the back of the Hob and bring it over here to put around the side of the house and then I just had to build a shelter for the goats. I wanted to surprise you tomorrow."

"Oh, Peeta," I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. "You don't have to do all of that."

"You've been depressed," he said. "You've tried to hide it, but I would be depressed too if I never got to leave the house. I've at least been able to get some supplies and things for us from Districts 10 and 11. You haven't gotten to do that. I've been so focused on trying to prove that I can take care of us that I didn't pay attention to how stir crazy you've been in this house."

I nodded. "Yeah, I get it," I said. "I just don't get why you are on this 'provider' kick. You don't have to provide for me. I've taken care of myself just fine over the years. I took care of my entire family before you came along."

"I know, Katniss," Peeta replied. "And you shouldn't have had to do that."

"What are you trying to prove?" I asked him. "You don't have to prove anything to me."

"I want to marry you, Katniss," Peeta said quickly. "I want a family with you. And before you'll ever agree to do that and before we ever get to that point, I need to make you happy. I thought this was just a step," he muttered, blushing.

"I don't want children," I said, shaking my head.

"You said you don't want children in a world where the Games exist. And nor do I. But the Games don't exist anymore. That means we can live our lives in peace."

"Peeta, we're only nineteen. We're still young. We have plenty of time to figure that out," I said. "We don't have to rush into a marriage. Your father did that and see how that worked out for him?"

"My father would have married your mother in a heartbeat if she'd agreed and wasn't in love with your father," Peeta said. "My mother was bitter and held it against him."

"Marriage isn't real," I argued. "Before the Rebellion, people had to sign a piece of paper and register it. There's no one here to register our marriage. We can be married if we say so and we can be divorced if we say so. There isn't any sort of permanence."

"I can call Paylor. Haymitch can have her here tomorrow," Peeta said seriously. "It will be a real marriage. You want to marry me, just say the word."

"It's just so… final," I said.

"Where's the Katniss I know that says things are black and white? You've never lived in a state of gray. We live together. We eat dinner every night. We sleep together. I cook you breakfast and you hunt for dinner. You wash the laundry and I hang it to dry. We do everything together and we love each other. Please, Katniss. Be my wife." The tears welled up in his eyes. It meant so much to him. And truthfully, I couldn't imagine my life without him. Over the past few months, Peeta had become my everything.

I nodded. "Okay," I whispered. "But only if you let me help you build that shelter and the fence."

He smiled. "Deal."

* * *

Our visitors arrived around lunchtime the next day.

Haymitch came to the door, smelling surprisingly fresh, not reminiscent of his formerly drunken self. He had a woman on his arm, her blonde hair shoulder length, ringlet curls all over. Her make-up was light and she wore a simple dark green shirt and brown pants with boots.

"Effie?" Peeta asked, jaw dropping as he ran out to greet them.

"I'm surprised you recognized me," her tinkling voice said as she smiled broadly. "You two look amazing."

"I like her much better without the circus show hair and make-up," Haymitch said, winking. "She's beautiful without all of the make-up."

"Thank you for inviting me to your home," President Paylor said, smiling. "Life at the Capitol is so good."

"How are things?" I asked her, welcoming them into the house where Peeta ushered them to the table.

"They are marvelous," Paylor said. "Truly. I don't think the residents of Panem have every been so happy. At least not in recent memory. Districts 1, 2, and 4 are adjusting nicely and it's always a joy to see how happy 11 and 13 are. 13 has been building above ground, focusing on the transition since they've been underground for so, so long. Each of the Districts has been focusing on trade, so there aren't shortages like there were in 11, 12, and 13 prior to the Rebellion."

"Is there any chance of Katniss being pardoned?" Peeta asked seriously.

"Soon," Paylor said. "Give it another six months. A full year of peace will be a great thing and it will be nice to acknowledge the Mockingjay that made this all possible. Politically, 13 is very upset as they believed Coin to be their hero and we've been trying to appease them."

I nodded, sighing in defeat.

"Katniss, it is you we have to thank. You made all of this possible. You saw the threat Coin was and you took her out. Without your sacrifice, Panem would still be under an authoritative totalitarian. Please, remember that," she said seriously.

"It's just hard," I said. "It's been so lonely and District 12 has been empty for so long. It's just been Peeta and I."

"Any progress on that front?" Haymitch asked, winking. "I'm surprised I haven't seen any kissing and hand-holding."

"We've never been that kind of couple," Peeta replied.

"Yeah," I said. "Peeta always has flour all over him," I joked.

He elbowed me and we both exchanged goofy grins.

"We brought gifts!" Effie trilled. She opened up the back door, letting light in. A black and white fluff of fur came barreling toward me and I caught it as it jumped in my lap.

A puppy.

Buttercup yowled and scurried up the stairs. The dog barked at him and licked my cheek.

"Consider her a wedding present," Effie said, smiling. "You'll need something to protect those two goats. Just keep her away from the chickens."

Peeta headed outside and I followed him, carrying the puppy.

"Do they have names?" I asked, petting the blonde nanny goat with the bright blue eyes. She looked extraordinarily like Prim's goat, Lady.

"Whatever you want to name them," Haymitch said. "They're yours. The lighter one is due in the spring. You should have a baby goat or two to care for soon. They usually fare better in groups. They never like being all alone."

"Alright, Katniss," Effie said. "President Paylor is going to get the paperwork figured out in the office and Haymitch and Peeta are going to make sure the animals get settled in before getting ready themselves. Are you ready to get married?" she asked, clasping her hands together excitedly.

I looked over at Peeta and he smiled, his eyes shining brightly.

"Alright," I said. "Don't you let him go anywhere!" I yelled at Haymitch. He gave me a thumbs up.

I headed upstairs to the bedroom and sat down at my vanity. I took a brush from the drawer and slowly brushed my hair, looking in the mirror.

I looked happy. For the first time in months, I was happy. For the first time since Prim died and the Rebellion ended, I actually felt free. I knew Prim wouldn't want me to be in a perpetual state of sadness. She would want me to move on and make choices that would result in happiness and not despair.

Effie came back inside with two white bags.

"I have dresses," she said, smiling brightly. "Do you want simple or formal?"

"We're just here at the house," I said, breaking my gaze from the mirror to look at her. The simpler the better."

She frowned and pulled a dress out of the second bag.

"A wedding is always a cause for a celebration," she said. "That includes your wardrobe. But it's your wedding!"

She pulled out a white beaded dress. It was long and to the floor with short lace sleeves and a corset back. It wasn't overwhelming, but had a certain simplicity to it that I liked.

"It's pretty," I said.

"Now, your hair," Effie said, coming over to me. "Not that same braid I'm used to. Both sides braided back, the rest down. That should work. Some soft waves. Romantic. Soft, pink cheeks. We want you to look soft and romantic, not tough. Complete opposite of your Mockingjay look, for sure."

Within half an hour, I was transformed. Soft, pink cheeks, lavender eye shadow with purple liner, berry lips. Curls cascaded down by back and around my shoulders. I felt beautiful.

"Effie, you're a genius," I told her. "Thank you."

"Just grab the dress and I've even got a flower here for you to hold," she said. "Haymitch brought a camera. Something for your mantel and something for us to have in our apartment at home, you know."

She corseted the dress up in the back and I stepped into the vision of the floor length mirror across the room.

"Effie, it's perfect," I breathed. "Thank you so much."

"It's the least I could do. You've changed all of our lives, Katniss. I can only offer you one day of pure happiness for now, but one day, you will have a lifetime of happiness, I assure you. One day, you and Peeta will be able to venture throughout Panem, anywhere you want. Haymitch and I wish you every happiness."

She hugged me.

"Now, your groom should be waiting downstairs. Are you ready?" she asked me.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I said nervously.

She opened the door and I headed out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

She hummed behind me as I came down the stairs. Half way down, Peeta and Haymitch came into view. He was wearing a black tuxedo, hands crossed in front of him. I smiled shyly.

President Paylor sighed, "At last, she's here."

Haymitch walked over and took my arm and led me to Peeta. Symbolically, he took my arm and placed my hand into Peeta's. He gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek.

"Take care of her," he told Peeta, nodding.

"I will," Peeta promised him, his voice full of emotion.

Paylor smiled as we both approached her. "Today, I get the pleasure to join Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen together in marriage. If anyone is so opposed to this, please speak now." She looked from Haymitch to Effie, who both looked at each other.

"I could stand here and say how marvelous it is to be married, but I don't know the first thing about it because I never got married. So I'll just skip to the good part. Do you have vows?" she asked us.

 _Vows_ , I thought to myself. _I didn't write vows!_

"I do," Peeta said.

"Go ahead, sir," Paylor said.

"Katniss," Peeta said, looking at me. "I have loved you since I was five years old. I loved you when you sang and the birds watched you when we were in school. I loved you when you were on the streets hungry and I gave you the bread instead of the pig. I loved you when we were both Reaped. I loved you every step of the way through the Games and through the Rebellion. I would have died for you in the arena and I would have died for you in the course of fighting against those who wanted to take our freedom. Today, I finally get to have what I've waited all my life for – a family with you. Our marriage proves that those who wanted us gone have lost. Today, we triumph over every force that's tried to keep us apart. Today, and every day after today, we win. I love you."

I was pretty sure there wasn't a dry eye in the house after Peeta's bold declaration.

"Katniss?" Paylor asked.

"I'm not so good with words," I stumbled. "But I'll try to get this out without messing it up too much." I looked over at Peeta who had tears in his eyes. "Peeta, you saved my life. I never realized that I was never truly living until I met you. You have been there for me on my best day and my worst day. You have been there when I've been a raging, crazy person and you've been there when I'm just me. I want to be everything you want me to be and I want to be yours forever. I love you. I guess marriage vows are about promises. So, I promise to never say no to anything you want without a good reason. I promise to never tear you down and only build you up. I can't promise to be the best wife in the world, but I promise to be _your_ wife. I promise to love you and I promise to care for you from now until forever."

Tears welled up in my eyes as Paylor started speaking.

"Katniss Everdeen, do you choose to be lawfully wed to Peeta Mellark? Do you choose to be his wife and lifelong partner, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, every day of your life?"

"I do," I said, as the tears spilled over and rolled down my cheeks. I slipped a small gold ring onto his left ring finger.

"And do you, Peeta Mellark wish to be lawfully wed to Katniss Everdeen? Do you choose to be her husband and lifelong partner, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, every day of your life?"

"I do," he replied. He placed a small diamond ring onto finger, his hands shaking.

"I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Peeta Mellark. Peeta, you may kiss your bride," Paylor said, as Haymitch and Effie clapped and wolf-whistled joyfully.

Peeta stepped in and his lips met mine. This kiss was different. He'd only kissed me this way one other time… in the cave during the first Hunger Games. It was sweet, raw, full of emotion.

"Now, I do need the signatures of both witnesses… Haymitch and Effie, if you would like to do the honors?" Paylor said, nodding to the marriage certificate on her desk.

"Of course!" Effie said, practically bouncing to the desk.

Haymitch came over and wrapped me in a big hug and clapped Peeta on the shoulder.

"Take care of her, you hear?" he told Peeta, nodding to me.

"Always," Peeta replied.

The puppy at the foot of the stairs let out a bark and we all erupted into laughter.

"Who's hungry?" Peeta asked. "I've got bread in the oven!"

We all moved into the kitchen. Peeta grabbed my hand and pulled me into the hall.

"Thank you," he said.

"Why are you thanking me?" I asked. Our faces were mere inches apart.

"Because I now have nearly everything I have ever wanted. I'm the happiest man alive."

He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and disappeared into the kitchen.

It took me a few seconds to realize I had a huge smile on my face. This. This is what happiness felt like. I hadn't felt this way in so, so long.


	2. Chapter 2

Forever Starts Now

Chapter Two

 **Author's Note:** I know this chapter is much shorter than the last one, but the last one took me nearly a week. I put this together in just a few hours. I'll try putting another together tomorrow if I can. Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. Really helped get my gears grinding on this one.

* * *

It was spring.

I woke up with a start to Peeta thundering up the stairs. It wasn't even dawn. I groaned with annoyance.

"Katniss!" he yelled. "Come quick!"

"Normal human beings are asleep at this hour…" I murmured into the pillow.

"You'll want to see this!" he exclaimed, coming into the bedroom and shaking me. "Now hurry up!"

I looked up at him blearily to see his cheeks flushed, his eyes twinkling. I'd never seen him so… alive.

"Fine," I huffed, getting up. I paced over to the dresser and pulled out my cardigan and house shoes.

He ran down the stairs and I heard the kitchen door slam behind him.

I was curious. I hurried down the staircase, causing Buttercup to yell out a piercing squall.

"Shut it," I told him, sending a sharp kick his way.

I opened the back door and was greeted by Belle sharply barking, her stub of a tail wagging furiously.

From my stance at the porch, I could see Peeta hunched over in the corner of the goats' enclosure. Soleil was in the far corner, her dark brown coat barely visible in the moonlight. The blonde goat, the one we'd called Luna, was nowhere to be found.

At the sound of the dog barking, Peeta turned slightly.

"Katniss, come over here," he said.

I headed down the stairs and around the gate. Kneeling next to him, I saw he had a bundle of blankets in his lap.

"What…?" I trailed off, looking down in his lap. "Where's Luna?"

"We've got two baby goats. And a whole lot of work ahead of us," Peeta said, sighing.

"Where's Luna?" I repeated, looking around for the blonde goat that had reminded me so much of Prim's goat.

Peeta gestured to the blankets in his lap. "This little one had quite the rough start. He didn't want to eat this morning and was having difficulty keeping his body temperature. Tough guy. His sister is just fine over there in the corner."

The baby goat peered his head through the blanket in Peeta's lap and let out a little cry.

"It's okay," Peeta said, calming him. "You're okay."

"Peeta?" I pressed, my voice choking up. "Where's Luna?"

"She didn't make it, Katniss," Peeta said, his voice cracking. "She was fine up until this one was born. After he was born, she didn't get back up. She just… was gone."

I had really liked Luna. She was a quiet goat. Too often while I was working on tilling the garden the couple of weeks prior, she would watch me. I'd fed her a few carrots and always gave her a scratch behind the ears. She was sweet.

Yet another living thing… gone.

"This one should be Lucky," I told Peeta, gesturing to the little blonde lamb in his lap. "And the girl… I think Lady. After Prim's goat."

Peeta nodded. "They'll need to be bottle fed. It's still a bit cold so we should bring them inside. I can put some blankets together in the kitchen and we can fence it off, okay?"

"Okay," I said.

* * *

The baby goats grew fast. Peeta and I called them our kids. By the end of the following month, after hours upon hours of exhausting bottle feeds, the weather was finally warm enough to turn them outside. While I was glad to re-claim my kitchen, I missed their little faces peering over the make-shift fence by the back door. Peeta had had to sand and re-paint our back door as Lucky had decided to butt his little head up against the door time after time.

Spring was fully in bloom. Our garden was finally blossoming and our chickens were laying eggs. Peeta had built a shelter for the goats with a door that fully closed. Belle was finally big enough to sleep with the goats and she had proven to be an excellent guard dog… when she wasn't huddled with the kids sleeping.

Life was finally moving again. My banishment to District 12 was feeling less and less like a banishment. I was happy again.

It was dinner time. Peeta and I had spent a long day outside, milking the goats, tending the garden, washing laundry, feeding the chickens. After hanging the laundry to dry, we'd headed inside and made dinner.

"Ever feel like we do the same thing day after day?" Peeta asked me.

I shrugged. "It's not like there's much else to do."

"I guess," Peeta sighed. He studied his stew, clearly thinking.

"Are you saying you want to do something different?" I asked him. "I think we've been pretty innovative… we've basically turned this place into a working farm and – "

"Have you thought any more about having kids?" Peeta asked suddenly.

"We do have kids. The goats," I said dismissively. "They've been a great addition."

"You know that's not what I meant," Peeta said, rolling his eyes.

"We've discussed that, Peeta." I didn't mean for my voice to come out as sharply as it did.

"Things have changed though," he pressed. "I mean, we've really turned this place around and it would really be a great place to have children. They'd be able to help out with the farm when they're old enough and things wouldn't be quite so glum around here."

"You won't be thinking that when I go the same way Luna did," I said bitterly. "Children are a reminder of the Games and of death. Every time I think of children, I think of the Capitol's children. I think of those parents who had to give up their kids, only to see them get blown up right in front of their faces."

Peeta was quiet.

"I don't want children," I said, getting up from the table.

Peeta didn't look up. I grabbed my plate, scraped it out into the trash, and put it into the sink before heading up the stairs. Peeta didn't follow me.

* * *

It was near the end of May and the heat was blistering. Our windows were wide open and I'd had spent a great portion of the day cleaning.

It was that day that I'd found some of Prim's belongings in an untouched cupboard. Everything felt so raw.

Buttercup had kept me company while I carefully put up Prim's most precious belongings in a wooden box in the attic. I was coming back down the stairs when I saw Peeta at the front door.

"I didn't expect you for a visit!" he said, a wide smile on his face. Haymitch came through the front door and enveloped Peeta into a hug.

I stood behind the door leading to the attic, wiping away the last of my tears.

"Katniss!" Haymitch said, looking over. I plastered a grin onto my face. Of course, Haymitch knew me only too well. "Everything okay?"

"It's getting there," I told him. "Some days are better than others."

"You can say that again," Effie said, coming through the front door. She rested one hand on her distended abdomen.

"Wow," I said, my jaw dropping. "You guys!"

"We figured you'd wonder where we had gone if we stayed away too long," Effie said. "We were going to send you a letter, but that seemed far too impersonal. So we thought we'd stop by. It's such a beautiful day and with this little one due any day now, we thought we wouldn't get the opportunity to come by again any time soon."

"And of course, Effie thought it too rude to just drop in with an infant," Haymitch added. "She's taught me quite a bit about etiquette, this one has."

I cracked a smile.

"Although, I'm surprised that with as much time as the two of you have had together over the past nine months, there isn't a Baby Mellark on the way," he said, looking over at Peeta.

"Katniss doesn't want kids," Peeta said.

"Oh, but why not?" Effie asked. "It's the greatest thing."

"For some people, yes," I said. "But some people don't want them. I'm just fine with it just being Peeta and I. And our goats. And chickens. And dog. And cat."

And for a baby to even be a remote possibility, Peeta and I would have to be intimate and that hadn't happened in ages. I was too afraid of an "accident."

Effie frowned and I could tell she was mulling some thoughts over in her head. "Haymitch, why don't you and Peeta go check the barn? See if they need anything we could possibly send from District 8, darling?"

"Sure thing," Haymitch said. He clapped Peeta on the shoulder and the two of them headed out through the kitchen.

Effie clucked her tongue and she headed out toward the sitting room. She sat on the chaise lounge and kicked up her feet.

"Have a seat, Katniss," she said, nodding to the sofa across from her.

As awkward as it felt to be instructed to sit in my own home, I complied with her request.

"Talk to me," she said. "I know you love, Peeta. So why decline him something he wants so much?"

"He _thinks_ he wants kids," I said. "He thinks he wants them because it's quiet here. He thinks he wants them because the world is a better place than what it was a few months ago. He thinks he wants them because he's so _in love_ with me. And he thinks he wants them because he lost his family in the war. He _thinks_ it will be a replacement for everything that was lost."

"In some ways, it is," Effie acknowledged. "In some ways, the next generation will be better than ours. There will be no war. There will be peace."

"That's what you think," I countered. "But war is inevitable. It might not happen right away, but eventually, there will be squabbles among the Districts. One will tempt the other. And then, hell will break loose. And while Peeta and I are lucky enough to be stuck here in a place where time seems to never pass, other people won't be as lucky. I refuse to bring children into a world where a Games could be brought up as a solution to any conflict."

"Katniss, dear. Eventually, you have to move on. You're denying someone who loves you very much something they desperately want over something that isn't even a remote possibility. The likelihood of another Hunger Games that would happen to your children is microscopically miniscule."

"How do you – "

"Think of Peeta," she pressed. "Think of what he wants. There has to be a compromise somewhere. A baby won't replace Prim. It won't replace Finnick or Gale or your mother or anyone else that used to be part of your life that no longer is. But a baby will be a whole new person that will be part of your lives. How can that be a bad thing?"

"It's not a bad thing," I said hesitantly. "It's just not something I'm ready for. We lost a goat this past spring in childbirth. How on earth do you expect Peeta to deliver a baby? Do we get a midwife or a nurse from another District? Are they allowed to come here? I mean, there is so much that scares me. He has no right to expect that of me."

"But how long have you know what he wants?" Effie pressed. "You knew he wanted a family before you ever agreed to marry him. So how is it fair of you to deny him something he wants so badly just because you're scared?"

I paused. And once again, Effie was right.

"Fine," I said. "You're right. I get it."

"I'm not saying it has to be right now. But just think things over and talk to him. He loves you enough not to pressure you into something you're not ready for. But you have to love him enough to at least entertain his ideas and seriously consider them."

I nodded. "Are we done now?"

Effie laughed. "Yes."

"What's it like?" I asked her. "Aren't you scared?"

"It's definitely a unique experience," Effie said, nodding. "It's something that's part of me and part of Haymitch and I wouldn't trade this baby for anything else in the world. I expect it will be different once it's born… everyone has told me this idea of what to expect and they all think my nursery ideas are wildly insane and unrealistic. But then again, I've been told that all my life so… we'll see. It kicks when I least expect it. And it even has the hiccups. I've never been so tuned in to a stranger."

I smiled.

We heard footsteps and looked up to hear Haymitch discussing Peeta's idea for water conservation.

"I mean, it's a great idea you've got to filter the water. I can't believe I didn't think of something like that!" he laughed.

"Then again, when we were all here before the Rebellion, we couldn't do much," Peeta acknowledged.

"Well, I'll definitely make sure we send you some supplies. You can expect the shipment at some point next week, even though Effie and I probably won't make it back out here until late fall. Figure you'll need help to sow the plants and weatherproof the garden for your first year," Haymitch said. He looked over at Effie. "You ready, doll?"

"I think so," she said. "Thanks for letting us drop by," she added. "Thanks for the discussion, Katniss."

I nodded. "Safe travels," I insisted.

"Always," Haymitch said, opening the door for his wife.

Peeta came behind me and rested his arm around me.

"What did you and Effie talk about?" he asked curiously.

"The future," I said, looking up and grinning at him.

"You seem happier," he said.

"Well, you know how it is," I said, turning away from the door. "I'm always happy to have great company."

* * *

President Paylor paid us a visit two weeks later. It was the first anniversary of Panem's independence.

It was early, barely dawn, and we weren't expecting company. I jolted awake, Peeta nearly jumping out of my arms.

A whole year later and we still weren't prepared for surprises. We still jumped at loud noises and we still were on edge. I was convinced we would never change.

We quickly dressed and headed downstairs. Peeta opened the door and Paylor and two journalists came in.

"Good morning," she said. "I should have written you, but certain things, we'd like to keep under wraps. I hope I didn't interrupt…" she trailed off, looking at my tousled hair and Peeta's bleary eyes.

"Nothing except for sleep," I said, stepping aside. "Please, come inside, President."

She nodded to me and the two journalists followed her.

"As you may or may not be aware, today is Panem's first Independence Day celebration," she said, addressing me. We were hoping to announce the pardoning of the Mockingjay today. We were going to do it quietly… just an interview with you and a picture of you and Peeta to show that you're happy and thriving in your quiet… retirement."

"You mean, you don't need any propos or other fanfare?" I asked, surprised.

"That's not your job anymore, Mrs. Mellark. Your job is just to be _happy_. I just want to ensure that you can freely walk the streets of Panem without any fear of attack or slander. I want to make sure your name is clean and that you are vindicated."

I nodded. "What do you need from us?"

"Just a statement," she said. "I'm not expecting you to make an appearance. We'll just take a picture of you and Peeta against the sunrise and that'll be the last time you'll make public appearance unless you otherwise choose to. I have no interest in making you a public spectacle and I'd like to distance myself from Snow and Coin by just ensuring that you're happy."

Peeta nodded. "Let us get dressed first. Then we'll give you whatever it is you need."

President Paylor smiled modestly. "I thank you very much for your statements. They mean the world to both me and the great country that Panem has become."

Within the hour, we were dressed and our picture was taken against the sunrise, me wearing a simple blue dress with my hair blowing wildly against the summer wind and Peeta wearing his brown pants and a white button down. We looked quite the pair.

And we gave a statement.

 _"Here on this great Day of Independence for Panem and all of its Citizens, Mr. and Mrs. Peeta Mellark wish to share their gratitude for the Freedom of Panem. We do not forget the great sacrifices that were made for Panem's freedom, nor do we forget the friends that lost their lives to the benefit of this great nation. We give our thanks to all that made Freedom possible and all that still make freedom possible. We recognize the strengths and unique traits of each District of Panem and are thankful for the Diversity that comes as a result Partnership and Teamwork."_

President Paylor thanked us.

"Your Pardon goes into effect today, Katniss. Feel free to attend the celebrations. After all, without you, there would not be a cause to celebrate," she said, nodding to me.

"Thank you for your kind words," I said.

"Thank you for allowing us into your home," she replied. "I will walk myself out."

As the door closed behind the journalists, Peeta looked over at me.

"So how does it feel?" he asked. "To be officially pardoned?"

"It doesn't feel as different as I thought it would," I told him. "I mean, sure, I can go out of the District for the first time in a year, but that doesn't mean much to me… I still don't care to venture to the Capitol just to walk where I killed Coin or to venture through the Districts where I saw people shot dead for agreeing to the Rebellion. I don't care to go to 13 where they hate me or to 4 to see my mother. I don't care to go to 8 where I saw a man get a bullet in his head for fighting for what's right. And in some ways, I'm scared to go out… I'm scared to see what people might think of me."

"I'm not saying we have to leave today," Peeta said. "And for us, District 12 will always be home. But maybe one day you'll want to travel. We have plenty of time until then," he said, cupping the side of my face. "I don't want to go until you're ready, okay?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

It was September. It was the Harvest season.

Our house was filled with bushels of corn, pumpkins, beans, tomatoes, and apples. I'd spent the majority of the day canning over the stove. I had never realized canning could be so exhausting.

Peeta was a great help. Not only did he bring me mason jars from the shipment we'd received, but he also harvested the plants and provided me with plenty of fresh produce to can. Not only had we filled our panty all the way up, but we'd started adding more jars to one of the empty bedrooms on the main floor. I was surprised at how successful our harvest had been.

"I think we have more than enough food to feed ourselves," Peeta said as I tightened the lids on the remaining jars I was working on for the night.

I sighed, setting the last jar down on the storage shelf. "I would say so. We'll probably have enough to donate come spring."

"Can I ask you a serious question?" Peeta asked, taking my hand.

"Sure," I said, sitting down next to him on the bed.

"Have you thought about it anymore?" he asked me seriously.

"About kids?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "I hate to be putting so much pressure on you, but you said we'd re-visit the topic later in the year."

I nodded. "I've thought about it."

"And?" he asked eagerly.

"I've decided that I'm not completely opposed to the idea." I watched his reaction nervously.

"Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.

"I'm not saying right now," I said hurriedly. "But you know, eventually. Once the farm is fully up and running. We need a few more things and you know, I was thinking about how fun Prim was when she was little, right before my father died in the mine… she and I were super close. It would be nice to be close to someone like that again."

Peeta nodded. "I can understand that," he said.

"Maybe a couple of years from now," I trailed off. "Maybe when we don't flinch at the slightest loud noise or by a knocking at the door or by something being moved around. Maybe when I feel safer…"

Peeta leaned in and gave me a hug. "I promise… you're always going to be safe with me. I'll never let something hurt you ever again."

I knew he couldn't promise that. But for now… I'd let him feel like he could.


	3. Chapter 3

Forever Starts Now

Chapter Three

 **Author's Note:** I know this chapter is much shorter than the last one, but the last one took me nearly a week. I put this together in just a few hours. I'll try putting another together tomorrow if I can. Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. Really helped get my gears grinding on this one.

* * *

It was barely a month later when Peeta asked me to accompany him to District 4 to obtain some fishing nets. I didn't understand why he couldn't just go himself, but he insisted that I didn't need to be alone for so long.

We prepared the goats and chickens for our absence. We felt they would be just fine alone with Belle, the dog, guarding them. She sat outside the fence, looking a bit forlorn that we were leaving without her. Peeta gave her a pat on the head.

"Be a good girl," he told her. "You've got an important job to do."

The dog gave him a lick on his hand and laid down in front of the fence, clearly taking her first real job as a guard dog seriously.

The nights were getting colder, although the days were still warm. When we arrived, it was late. Peeta took us up to the hotel, where we slept. I tossed and turned all night.

It was dark.

 _It was dark. Peeta was on my left side, Gale on my right. I could hear Finnick sleeping across the tunnel from me. His breaths were steady. In and out. In and out._

 _We were all on edge._

 _I heard tapping somewhere in the tunnel. I elbowed Gale and he stirred and then woke up._

 _Our small group crept forward through the tunnel._

 _The mutts. The mutts were following us. They were tracking us down._

 _They broke through the wall and we fought them off as best we could. We finally escaped up the ladder. Finnick was right behind me, pushing me up the ladder as fast as we could go._

 _I looked back and he was falling, falling back down the ladder while grotesque arms wrapped around him._

I woke up to his screams. District 4 had been Finnick's home. I was nowhere near ready for this.

I sat up in bed, feeling sick to my stomach, my heart racing. Peeta stirred and saw me sitting straight up in bed.

"You okay?" he asked, sitting up and resting a hand on my back.

I felt nauseated. I got up and threw up my dinner into the toilet basin and collapsed into tears in the middle of the cool tile of the bathroom floor.

I looked up and through my tears, I watched as Peeta came in and sat next to me.

"It's okay," he soothed me. "It's all over."

I shook my head. It wasn't over for Annie and their son. They still missed Finnick every single day. For them, the Rebellion would last forever.

"The people who lost their lives in the Rebellion did not die in vain, Katniss," Peeta said, once again reading my thoughts. "Despite the challenges of raising her son alone, you know Annie is proud of Finnick's role in the defeat of the Capitol."

I choked back my tears and let out a sob.

"Come back to bed," Peeta said, wrapping his hand around mine. "It's okay. I'm right here."

* * *

District 4 was overwhelmingly beautiful. The ocean stretched out into the horizon as far as the eye could see and from our hotel room, I could see the new windows of the new hospital glittering in the distance.

It felt strange, to walk out of the hotel, down a public street. It was the middle of the business hour, clearly, and people were rushing down the street hurriedly, eager to reach their various destinations.

Peeta held my hand and we made it to the end of the block before people surrounded us, shouting.

"Katniss! Katniss Everdeen!"

"Look, it's the Mockingjay!"

And the strangest thing happened. I jumped, ready to flee, and Peeta grabbed my hand. The people gathered around us took three fingers, pressed them to their lips, and then held them high.

They weren't attacking us. I had imagined it.

My heart pounded inside of my chest as I slowly calmed down.

"Welcome to District 4," someone said.

"We're happy to have you here!" another voice piped up.

"Let's not keep them," someone else voiced.

The crowd split in two, clearing the way for us to continue.

It was one of the strangest things I had ever experienced… and that was saying a lot, considering I'd been chased by mutts, had various weapons hurled at me, and had had my life threatened more times than I could count.

We finally made it to the fishing supply store that Peeta had been so excited about. It was a large store, filled with every boating or fishing supply you could imagine. There were spears and nets and fishing rods and sails and oars… my eyes could scarcely take it in.

"Phoenix! Come over here!" a woman's voice yelled.

A little boy with bright green eyes barreled around the corner, right into Peeta's leg. Peeta leaned down and stopped him.

A woman with long red hair wasn't too far behind. Our eyes met simultaneously and hers widened in shock.

"Katniss! Peeta!"

"Mama!" the boy cried, pointing toward a large aquarium of fish toward the wall. "Fishies?"

"Yes, honey, those are fish. We can go see them," she said to the boy, who was all too eager to run toward the fish in excitement.

Annie nodded her head to the aquarium and we followed her.

"It is _so_ good to see you both," she said, hugging each of us. "It has been far too long."

I nodded. "Kind of hard to keep up with longtime friends when you're banished to a District where people rarely visit," I said.

"I understand that," Annie said. "Your mother works at the hospital down on Atlantic Street. She mentioned she doesn't think she'll ever be able to go back to 12. There's just too much pain for a lot of people, especially those who had friends and family members there."

I looked over at Peeta who had leaned down to Phoenix's level and was playing with a toy shark with the boy. He spoke to him softly, making the shark swim circles around him as Phoenix giggled gleefully.

"He looks so much like his father," I said. "Finnick would be so proud of him."

"He would," Annie said, nodding in agreement. "But he'd been so happy that our son gets to live in a world where there is no controlling government and no war and no Hunger Games. Phoenix will never understand the peril we lived through, but he will know nothing but love. That's all Finnick ever wanted."

Peeta stood up, the toy shark in his hand. Phoenix reached for it.

"Pwease?" he asked.

"Sure thing, buddy," Peeta said, taking the boy's hand. He walked with him to the register and bought the toy shark. Phoenix held his prize tightly, his green eyes shining.

Annie smiled. "Thank you, Peeta," she said, smiling tearfully.

"Now, to get those nets," Peeta said, nodding to me. "Katniss, I'll be right back."

Annie and I walked through the store, discussing things as simple as the weather and things more complicated like the state of affairs of the government and how the remaining Victors were living their lives.

"So Beetee moved back to District 13. He was offered a nice job offer there working with their nuclear technology and your mother has taken up a wonderful opportunity with the hospital here in 4, as you know. Johanna and Gale married this past summer in a beautiful ceremony in District 2 – "

"Johanna and Gale?" I coughed. "Are you serious?"

"Well, dear, you couldn't expect him to stay alone forever…" she trailed off. "They were quite the unexpected couple, I think. But his softness balances out her impulsiveness quite well, I think. And of course, they were two of the only ones left that were about the same age that were unattached at the end of the war. It's only natural, I think."

I nodded. I knew I couldn't have ended up with Gale at the end. It wasn't that he killed Prim, but that he'd been the one that came up with the technology that was behind the bomb. I blamed him for making something so terrible that he knew would result in a serious loss of life, even if he hadn't known it was going to be used on children.

But Johanna… she was wild, untamable. Then again, maybe that's what Gale had found attractive in her.

I had figured one thing out.

War definitely changed people.

Peeta returned with the fishing nets a nearly half an hour later, his arms full. We headed back to the hotel to return them to our room and then we headed back out to find something to eat.

We made our way up the hill to the merchant area and found a quaint restaurant. We found a table outside and started discussing changes to the house.

"I think it would be nice to build a real barn," Peeta said. "You know, we could use half for storage and it would be nice to keep the goats warmer in the winter," Peeta said.

I nodded. My eyes focused on a restaurant door across the street and I watched as a woman with blonde hair and a worn face came out the door, headed our direction.

My heart stopped. It was my mother.

Peeta turned to see what had caused the distressed look on my face. He saw her too and turned to me.

"We can leave if you want," he offered. "You don't owe her anything."

"She owes me something," I said, looking back at him. "Sure, 12 was painful for her, but she never wrote. She has _always_ given in far too easily."

I looked back up and she met my gaze. I saw the shocked look on her face for an instant and then she turned the opposite direction and walked away from us. She never stopped, never smiled, never gave any indication that she'd seen us.

"And that's why I don't care to fix our relationship," I said, looking back over at Peeta. "Because she always lived for Prim, but never even tried to fix things with me. I gave her and Prim everything. I put my life on the line to feed them and it was all worth nothing to her."

"Let's go," Peeta said, standing up. "I think we've exhausted our welcome here in District 4."

"You sure?" I asked him warily.

"Yeah," he said nodding. "I think this trip has been hard enough on you and I'm not going to see you be put through any more pain. Let's go home."

I nodded. Once again, I was thankful for Peeta. He always knew just when I'd had enough.

* * *

We returned home that night, just before dusk. Peeta had slept the whole way home – I, however, had been wide awake, mulling over the various events of our trip. I had attempted to sort out my feelings regarding my mother… and Annie and Phoenix… and the people who had greeted us so boldly in District 4.

Belle was only too glad to see us. She ran out to greet us as we walked up to the front gate. Holly and Lucky and Luna were too, their tails wagging furiously. Even the chickens came careening out of their coop, greeting us with a wild storm of clucking.

I looked over at Peeta who had a huge smile on his face.

"What?" I asked, amused.

"It's just that a year ago, we were complaining that it was so lonely and now we have a whole audience that has clearly missed us," he said, nodding to Belle who was practically running in circles around us.

We unpacked and I laid back on our bed with sheer exhaustion.

"You can't be that tired," Peeta said from the bedroom door. "It's only just past nine."

"I didn't sleep a wink on the train ride home," I said. "You slept the whole trip."

"I did not," Peeta said, his eyes narrowing.

"You did too!" I insisted. "I'm surprised the conductor himself wasn't annoyed by the sound of your snoring."

"I don't snore," Peeta said, folding his arms. "I learned not to a long time ago."

"Wouldn't have made it through the Games if you snored?" I teased.

"Katniss, stop," Peeta said, shutting the door. The tone of his voice was serious.

"What?" I asked. "You okay?"

"It's not funny, okay?" he said. "Snoring then was dangerous and you and I both know it."

I'd stepped too far. I'd forgotten for a split second that I wasn't the only one with issues… I wasn't the only one who needed people to step oh so carefully on eggshells.

"I'm sorry," I said, swallowing. "That wasn't funny. I shouldn't have said that."

Peeta nodded. He took off his shirt and threw it into the laundry bin and came over to the bed with me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my shoulder delicately.

"It was nice getting to go to District 4 with you," he said quietly. "We haven't gotten to go anywhere in a long, long time."

I nodded. "Yeah, overall it was a good trip. It was nice seeing Annie and Phoenix. He looks so much like his dad," I said.

"Little kids like that are fun," he said. "I feel bad that he doesn't have his father around to play with and roughhouse with like I did growing up."

"Which is exactly why I don't want kids," I said dismissively. "You see how hard it is on Annie. I can't imagine being her. Just seeing what she's going through is enough for me."

Peeta sighed. "You don't think she's thankful that she has Phoenix? He's the only thing she has left of the person she loved."

"It's more than just the emotional aspect of it. She has to provide everything for her son. It's all on her. When he's hungry, she has to feed him. When he's scared at night, she has to comfort him. Thankfully, they aren't as destitute as what we were, but I had to feed Prim by any means necessary – "

"Katniss, those days are over. You wouldn't have to do that. You wouldn't have to sneak around for food… we have a farm here and enough food storage for _months_ – "

"This stopped being about Annie and Phoenix, didn't it?" I asked softly. "You just said _I_ wouldn't have to do that."

"Yeah, you're the one who said you didn't want kids again," Peeta said, rolling over.

I sighed.

We weren't ever going to get past this. This would be the one battle that Peeta and I would fight over and over again until one of us gave in.

"Peeta?" I asked softly.

"What?" he asked, his voice sharp. He was crying, but clearly trying to not let me see.

"You're not going to give this up, are you?" I asked timidly. "This is something you really really want… and as much as I'm scared, not giving you what you want in this case is going to leave you with regrets and sadness, isn't it?"

"I can't say that I wouldn't be hurt," he sighed, turning back around to face me. "But I don't think I could ever hold something against you forever. I just hoped that eventually you'd decide this was something you wanted. I know I just wanted the chance to be a parent… and not one like your mother or my mother, but like my dad. I think my brothers and I truly were the lights in his otherwise dark and dreary life… even with the threat of the Games hanging over our heads."

An early memory popped into my head. It was right after Prim was born. I was four or five years old, sitting on my father's lap as he held Prim closely.

 _"Babies are special, Katniss," he said, looking down at Prim who was wrapped into a soft white blanket. "They're new here and it's our job to help them figure out how this world works."_

 _"It's pretty here, above the ground," I told him matter-of-factly. "There's nothing but coal below the ground, but up here there are trees and birds and stuff."_

 _Father nodded, squeezing me tight. "But even when the world is dark below the ground and all I see is the blackness, I have three little lights that will always guide me home. You and Primrose and your mother."_

 _"It used to be just me and Mother," I said, crinkling my nose._

 _"Right," he said. "But there's always strength in numbers and the more lights I have, the better, right?"_

 _I smiled and gave Father a hug. "I like that," I said. "I will make sure Prim is a good little light for you too."_

"My father called Prim and I his little lights," I said, wiping a tear away from my face. "He said that no matter how dark the mine was, he always knew where home was because he knew where we were."

"I like that," Peeta said. "That makes a lot of sense."

"I always thought it was a little silly," I said. "I mean, we were little girls, not lights. I gave up on that after he didn't come home. I figured our lights must not have burned strong enough. But clearly, when your time here is done, there's nothing that's going to save you."

"But those lights are symbols that the world does move on," he replied. "Do you think our fathers would want us to be bitter about how the world has treated us and not push forward? Eventually, if we stay here and never move on, the world is going to pass us by."

"Okay," I said, my chest feeling heavy. "We can have a baby."

I felt Peeta tense up for a second. "Are you serious?" he asked. "Really?"

"Don't make me change my mind," I said. "I don't want to actively try, but if it happens, it happens. I won't be upset. It might take me a while to wrap my mind around, but maybe this is one of those things that just needs to happen… and then I'll be okay with it. Maybe I'm more scared of the idea of having a child and everything that entails then I am of actually being a mother. Maybe I'm afraid it'll just be a hard reminder of Prim. You'll help me through it though. It'll be okay."

Peeta leaned in and gave me a kiss. "It'll be okay. I love you."

I smiled. "I love you."


	4. Chapter 4

Forever Starts Now

Chapter Four

 **Author's Note:** *trigger warning* This chapter was a tough one to write. I don't want to spoil it, but feel free to close the chapter if you have certain triggers.

* * *

It was January. A new year.

Winter came early. It brought more snow than in previous years, more snow than I could ever remember having. While the goats were fine in their new barn Peeta had built before winter came and the chickens refused to venture out of their coop, Peeta and I had spent weeks holed up in the house. We didn't go anywhere.

Truthfully, most of the time was spent in bed. Something about the gloomy gray sky outside kept me from my typical motivation to scrub the house from top to bottom.

And then, the second week of January, I found Buttercup dead in the linen closet. He had been unusually sweet the night prior, letting me pet him and slept right by my right hip the majority of the night. I had thought the behavior was weird, but I didn't think much of it until he didn't come running when I put food in his dish.

I'll admit, I took the cat's death harder than I thought I would have. For most of his relatively long life, I considered Buttercup a pain and a nuisance, but he was the very last thing I had left of Prim. For over a year now, I had cared for him and the two of us, although not best friends, had a steady truce. I fed him and he permitted me to pet him every once in a while.

The cat's death was the triggered my fall back down the rabbit hole. I slipped back into the deep depression that had encompassed me after my return to District 12. Except this time, there were no work to be done to quell the grief. Instead, I slept.

For two solid weeks, I did nothing but sleep. And then the overwhelming nausea came. I knew after the holiday celebrations, there was a good chance I'd come out on the other side with a bun in the oven. With the large amount of snow, it's not like we'd had the opportunity to do much else.

Peeta grew concerned when he realized I hadn't been able to keep food down for nearly a week.

"Katniss, you think maybe you should see a doctor?" he asked one morning. "I know things have been hard on you emotionally, but you're physically ill too. And you're not getting any better."

"Yeah, let's try getting out of here with nearly a foot of snow on the ground," I grumbled. "I'm fine."

I tried my best to not let Peeta know, but inside, I was freaking out.

I knew it was going to happen eventually and yes, I had agreed to it, but I was still rooted to the ground with fear and anxiety. I had all the symptoms.

Three days later, Peeta found me throwing up at 6 AM.

He came behind me and held my hair back as I emptied the last bit of bile into the toilet. Exhausted, I slumped against the side of the wall.

"Katniss, do you think you might be pregnant?" he asked me, biting his bottom lip.

Slowly, I nodded. "I think so."

A smile crept across his face and he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. He helped me up and put me to bed. The rest of the day, he brought me soup and rubbed my back while I slept.

* * *

Two days later, we ventured to the hospital in District 5. Peeta had wanted to go to the hospital in 4, but I had dug my heels in and refused to go, insisted we should go to 5 instead, just because it wasn't 4 or 8 and the amount of people who would look at us suspiciously was slim to none.

Peeta treated me like glass. He made sure I was comfortable on the trip there, made sure I had plenty to drink, had food if I needed it, and had blankets. I slept on the train ride and woke up shortly before we arrived.

As we pulled into the station, I pulled him close. "Please don't let anyone know about this just yet. I want to make sure everything okay and I need time to wrap my head around it. Please."

He nodded. "We don't have to tell anyone."

I was thankful. I stood up and gave him a quick kiss and we headed out to the train station.

Even though I'd been pardoned nearly six months prior to this trip, we hadn't left District 12 half of much as what we thought we were going to. Our growing farm kept us quite busy, so we only left when there was a need. Our trips outside 12 were rarely for pleasure and usually for business. So this was the first time since the Victory Tour for the Games that I'd visited 5. It hadn't changed much physically, but I could tell the people seemed happier overall.

District 5 was so different from District 4, in nearly every way possible. While District 4 was right on the ocean, District 5 was completed enclosed by the other Districts. It was a power plant. Everything had an electric feel to it… from the chronic buzzing noise of the electric power plants to the blue light radiated from the energy fields in the distance.

The hospital itself was at the center of the town. I figured that its central location had much to do with the fact that most of the jobs in the town were somewhat dangerous. If someone had an injury, the hospital was equally as far for nearly all of the major plants. It had a colder, much more clinical feel than the hospital in District 4.

Instead of seeing a doctor, we saw a nurse. Apparently something as mundane as pregnancy wasn't a reason to see a doctor here. The nurse had a clipped, cool persona that matched her jet black hair and deep wrinkles on her forehead. She was in her mid-forties, aged roughly like my mother, but had nowhere near the kind bedside manner my mother had. Clearly, I was just another patient she was eager to get out of her way.

"You're about six weeks along," she said, looking at a chart in front of her. "I'd say you should expect the baby near the end of September. There's not much to check now. Come back in another four weeks and we'll verify the pregnancy is viable."

"Viable?" I asked blankly.

"There's still a risk of miscarriage at this stage. We prefer to not do ultrasound this early because it's too soon to see anything. The risk of miscarriage dies down at about eight weeks or so. On top of that, you're substantially underweight. That increases the risk of a poor outcome," she said severely. Her sharp blue eyes looked back at the chart. "Come back at the beginning of March. We'll send you home with vitamins."

Peeta headed toward the door, clearly unimpressed with this nurse.

"Thanks," I told her. I came back out to the waiting room and signed out at the receptionist's desk.

"That was a huge waste of time," I said, rolling my eyes. "I could have told you I'm due around the end of September myself… and that's with a mother who is a nurse and a sister who was a medic."

"I didn't think they'd just send you out without assessing your health like that," Peeta said angrily. "At least you got the vitamins though. Those should help you feel better."

I nodded my dissent as we headed back down the main street of the District back to the train station.

As we headed home, I wrote Effie.

 _Effie,_

 _Thought I would let you know that Peeta and I are expecting a baby in September. He is super thrilled._

 _We went to District 5 today to have it confirmed. She confirmed it and said that she wants to see me again next month._

 _Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all is well with you and Haymitch and the new baby._

 _\- Katniss_

I sealed the envelope and placed it in the mail bin. Everything had to be okay. It just had to.

It was two weeks before I heard from Effie.

 _Katniss,_

 _We are so excited to hear your news!_

 _We also wanted to let you know that we are the proud parents of Abcde Abernathy who was born December 29th. Of course, Haymitch fought me on the name, saying it was too "out there" for our darling baby girl, but I absolutely adore it. It's pronounced Ab-suh-dee. We'll be calling her Abby for short._

 _Now that I'm a mother, I feel like I can give you some advice here. You say Peeta is excited, but you aren't? I know you were fairly apathetic to the idea of children in general, but as I sit here, rocking my daughter on my chest, I can tell you that this feeling is amazing. You may be scared now, but when that little one gets here, every feeling of panic will escape you. Everything will be just fine._

 _Write me anytime you feel you need some reassurance, dear. You know Effie is always here._

 _With love,_

 _\- Effie_

I smiled. Even through words and not just in person, Effie's personality with quite evident.

And of course she would pick something absolutely crazy to name her child. It meshed well with the giant brightly colored wigs of the Games so long ago.

I looked up at Peeta, who was going through the newspaper across the table from me.

"Effie had the baby. It's a girl. They named her Abcde," I said, raising my eyebrows.

"Who? What?" he asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"Effie and Haymitch named their baby girl Abcde. A-B-C-D-E," I clarified.

"They actually named a kid that?" Peeta asked, aghast. "That's insane. And Haymitch actually went along with that?"

"I guess so. But then again, that's Effie," I said, laughing. "Ours won't have a name that crazy."

"You were thinking names?" Peeta asked, looking interested.

"Yeah," I said. "I don't want to name our child after anyone else. I want it to have its own identity. So no Finnick or Prim or Cinna or Rue…"

Peeta nodded. "That's a good idea. So what were you thinking?"

"Something simple. Probably continue with the grain theme with your name if it's a boy. So something like Barley or Rye or Emmer for a boy. And maybe something plant-like for a girl. Ivy, Willow, Iris… something like that."

"I like those," Peeta said, softly. "I like those a lot."

"We'll need to figure out where we want the nursery. Probably the bedroom next to ours?" I asked him.

"That works," he said. "I'm glad to see you planning something. That always helps."

"Yeah," I said. "I'll need you to clear the canned goods out of the closet in there though. And it'll need to be cleaned out thoroughly before we start moving stuff in there for the baby."

Peeta nodded. "I can do that."

"I also want to teach myself to knit," I said suddenly. "I want to make things… blankets and maybe little clothes and stuff. That way we don't have to go to District 8 to buy things."

He grinned. "I think that's a great idea."

Against all odds, I was slowly coming around. Very slowly.

That night, Peeta held me and we talked about our plans for the future.

"Do you want a boy or a girl?" he asked me.

"A boy, I think," I replied. "With dark hair and blue eyes."

"That'd be nice," he said. "I really liked playing with Annie's son. Except instead of sharks, ours is going to like archery like his mom."

"A little hunter?" I smirked.

"Yeah," Peeta grinned. "We'll never go hungry again."

"I love you, Peeta," I said, closing my eyes and snuggling further into my pillow.

"I love you more, Katniss Mellark," he said, kissing my shoulder.

* * *

I woke up the next morning with wet sheets. I groaned, figuring Peeta had had another nightmare and the sheets were once again soaked with his sweat.

That was until Peeta woke up and started panicking. And that's when I realized I was cramping.

I didn't hear exactly what Peeta said. I was distracted by the realization that there was blood all over the bed. My heart sank as I realized that the blood was mine.

From everything my mother had ever mentioned about pregnancy, bleeding was never a good sign.

They say you really appreciate the important things in life after they're gone. They also say to never take the truly important things in life for granted. I don't know who "they" are, but that was a phrase my father always told me and something I'd tried to remember throughout the trials I'd suffered.

I'd finally accepted the fact that Peeta and I were going to have a baby. And just like that, it was gone. Yet something else, dead.

Peeta wanted to take me to the hospital. I told him there was no point. Rushing to the hospital wouldn't save the baby. It wouldn't change the outcome.

I headed upstairs and showered, rinsing the blood off of me.

I sank down to the bottom of the shower, letting the scalding hot water rain down on me.

And I cried.

Thinking back to the nurse in District 5, I realized that even though her demeanor was cold, I should have listened to her. She knew the likelihood of this pregnancy being viable was slim to none, but she didn't want to dash Peeta's hopes. She knew that the anger and distrust had taken its toll on me and I'd lost weight due to life being far too stressful. She knew this wasn't the environment to bring a child into. I didn't know what I was thinking agreeing to Peeta's pleas when I didn't even _want_ this.

Families were for people who had something to contribute to them. I had run out of things to contribute. I'd contributed far too much to every other area of my life and had run out of things to offer on the family front. Peeta and I were two very broken people who were still building ourselves up. Maybe I'd never want children ever. And if I didn't want children ever and Peeta wanted them more than he wanted to be married to me, then maybe he just needed to find himself an Annie or Johanna or some other woman who was only too eager to be a mother.

"Katniss?"

I looked up through the fog of the shower to see Peeta standing on the other side of the glass door.

"Katniss, come out here, please," he begged.

"Why?" I croaked.

"Because you're my wife and I love you and I want to help you through this," he said. "Because I need you."

I didn't respond. I didn't need his help through this. This was just relieving me of the burden of childbirth. I couldn't help him any more than he could help me.

"Katniss. Please."

I got up. He opened the glass door and wrapped a towel around me before carrying me back to the bedroom where the sheets were clean and it was almost like the murder scene I'd been surrounded hadn't ever happened.

He brought me some old pants and one of his bigger T-shirts and then ventured downstairs while I got dressed. As I climbed back in bed, he brought me some hot tea.

"I grabbed some lavender from the field behind the house," he said. "It's supposed to be relaxing."

"Thanks," I said, taking a sip. I knew this hurt him tenfold compared to how much it hurt me, but he was still so… calm.

"I need to keep an eye on you," he said. "That was an awful lot of blood. I need to make sure you're okay."

"I'm so sorry, Peeta," I cried, sobbing into the blankets.

"You know, Buttercup was good for a few things," he said, changing the subjectHe looked out the window.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"He didn't come in bed and snuggle with us much, but when life really sucked, he was there," Peeta said.

"You miss Buttercup?" I said, smirking.

"Yeah," he said. "I do."

I didn't say anything. In some ways, I missed the cat too. He was a reminder of the very few good times I'd had with Prim, even though the past didn't give us much to be happy about.

"I thought that the success of the Rebellion was supposed to bring forth happiness?" I said sardonically. "Why is it that you and I fought harder than nearly anyone and lost more than anyone else… why is it that we're still miserable?"

"I don't think we're miserable," Peeta said. "You and I got what we wanted more than anything – each other – out of all of this. We have had happy moments… our wedding, starting up this farm… you can't say it's been all bad."

"Those happy moments are surrounded by misery, Peeta. I'm missing the joy that was promised to us," I replied, tears tracing their way down my face.

"We aren't entitled to joy, Katniss," Peeta said. "We have to work for it. And we're getting there. But you can't say you aren't happy and not put a plan in action to ensure that you get your happiness."

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"I mean that you have to decide what makes you happy. What is it that you feel like you're missing?" he asked me in return. "Are you missing your sister? Is that why you aren't happy? Because you and I both know that she wouldn't want you pining over her for the rest of your life."

"Yes, of course, I miss Prim!" I said, my eyes wide. "What are you saying – that I'm just supposed to get over it? I'm not going to just get over it! My sister _died_. She's not coming back."

My throat was closing as another panic attack washed over me.

This time, Peeta didn't try to comfort me.

"Consider this tough love, Katniss," he said. "You will _never_ be happy until you choose to be. You need to move on. You can honor Prim's memory and keep her in your heart, but it is not healthy to cling to things like that and then not move on. It's not healthy to hold grudges and refuse to live. What do you need to move on?"

"What about you?" I snapped. "What is it that you need to move on?"

"Considering I lost my family as well, I know how it feels. I wanted a family with you to replace the one I lost. That was how I was moving on," he said, folding his arms.

"Well, considering I was going to sacrifice my feelings to give you that until the baby _died_ , you should be able to understand that I'm not too keen on making that happen right now," I snapped. "Maybe you should think about helping me so I can help you get what you want."

Peeta sighed. "Do you realize how incredible selfish we are being right now?"

He was right. Again.

"We have a family, Peeta," I said, softly. "You and me and Belle and Holly and Lucky and Luna… and a ton of chickens. Right now, that's what we have. Maybe that will change and maybe it won't, but right now, this is what we live for."

"I think I just put way too much hope in this," Peeta sighed. "I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you, Katniss."

"It's okay," I said. "We're going to make it."

He nodded. "We will. Just one day at a time."

* * *

Over the next couple of weeks, I taught myself to knit. I made a new blanket for our bed. It was therapeutic and helped me relax and gave me somewhere to focus outside of hunting.

Spring was rapidly approaching once more. It was hard to believe it'd been a year since the younger goats were born and well over a year since Belle had joined the family. It was nearly planting season and Peeta and I were already making plans to expand the farm.

Peeta had sectioned off an area of land behind the barn for his wheat. He'd decided to stop importing it from District 11 and to just start growing it at home so we would have a steady supply of bread.

We also decided to get a horse… sort of.

Peeta had been insisting he needed one to plow the fields for the wheat and to harvest it later in the year. I was against the idea at first. It would cost far too much to feed a horse and we wouldn't even be able to get anything out of it. It would just take up space.

So, within my connections in District 11, I found that Rue's father had an older mare he didn't mind letting us borrow for a week. So I sent Peeta up to fetch the horse at the beginning of April and within a day and a half, the entire area he needed cleared was plowed. He even plowed an additional spot to try his hand at blueberries and strawberries.

The mare was sweet, but I was more than happy when Peeta took her back. The efficiency was great for the short term, but I couldn't imagine having an animal of that size around for long.

The spring cleaning started up again. Once I finally felt well enough to clean, that's all I did for nearly a week. The house was once again spotless and when I finally ran out of work, I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

"You want to get out of here?" Peeta asked, coming into the bedroom where I was sorting canning jars.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, frowning.

"Haymitch and Effie sent a letter inviting us over to come stay with them for a couple of days. Figured it would be a great chance to get out of here for a bit. It's getting a bit depressing, being here by ourselves. Some other human companionship would be nice right about now don't you think?" He smiled, waving the letter in front of my face, lightheartedly teasing.

"You can go," I said. "I have mason jars to sort."

"It won't take you several days to sort mason jars…" Peeta trailed off. "Haymitch and Effie would be great people to spend time with."

"I don't feel like it," I replied. "That should be good enough of an answer."

Truthfully, I didn't want to spend time with Haymitch and Effie because they had a new baby and the loss of ours still smarted painfully. But I wasn't about to tell Peeta that.

"Should I write them back and tell them that we are politely declining their invitation?" Peeta asked sadly.

"I said you can go," I repeated. "I just don't want to."

"I'm not going to leave you here alone like that," he said. "Either we both go or we both stay. I can easily tell them that we will come another time."

"There's just too much to explain, Peeta. I never even wrote Effie to tell her I lost the baby. I can't imagine just showing up on her doorstep with the news. That wouldn't be very appropriate," I said, getting up. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I can find some more mason jars to sort."

"You should probably get around to writing her soon," Peeta said. "The longer you wait, the more likely it is that they may show up on our doorsteps with baby gifts. Spring is right around the corner."

I didn't answer him. I didn't know how exactly to be the bearer of bad news… especially about something so personal.

Peeta cleared his throat. "Do you want to go for a walk in the woods?" he asked me. "We can take a picnic. It's a little blustery, but a light jacket should suffice, I think. We can go fishing?"

"Can we take a picnic basket?" I asked him, grinning.

"Yeah, I think that's a good possibility," he answered, smiling mischievously.

We headed out the back door, Belle nipping at our heels. The sun was out, the wind in our faces.

We spread the blanket out in front of the pond and sat the basket on it, watching as Belle dove into the pond.

"Thank you for the pleasure of your acquaintance, Mrs. Mellark," Peeta said, taking my hand and leading me to the picnic blanket.

"The pleasure is all mine," I said, smiling and taking a seat.

We would be just fine, Peeta and I. We had come a long way, but we still had quite a bit further to go.


	5. Chapter 5

Forever Starts Now

Chapter Five

 **Author's Note:** Thanks for the reviews! Sorry it took me a bit to crank this out. The second half of the chapter took me a while to crank out the way I wanted it.

* * *

It was the middle of April when Peeta needed a new saw.

After building a fence and a barn and several makeshift shelters, he desperately needed something new. So, where better to find a new saw than the lumber District? We made our way to District 7.

If there was one color I could attribute to District 7, it would be green. As the train pulled into the District, green surrounded us. And as we exited the train and walked out of the station, huge leaves the size of my hands hung from the trees all around us, shading us from the brilliant early spring sunshine. The trunks of the trees were easily the size of Peeta and I combined.

Secretly, I wondered if the trees were on steroids or something. Trees like this didn't exist in 12. Nowhere close, even in the woods on the outskirts of the District.

The city center was beautiful. Flowers were blooming out of large window boxes outside of nearly every store. I could hear the shouts of little children laughing with glee as they played on the wooden playground outside and the people conversing in the little shops that were on both sides of the main road.

Peeta stepped inside one of the stores to shop for his saw. I sat outside on a bench, admiring the flowers. We really needed some daisies at home. These were absolutely beautiful.

I touched the white petal ever so slightly, feeling the softness between my fingers.

"Katniss?"

I turned around, surprised to see Johanna Mason behind me, her dark hair shoulder length now. I was unpleasantly surprised to see her round belly protruding through her burgundy cardigan. It was a sharp contrast from her normally slim physique.

"Umn… hi," I said, unsure of what to say exactly. I prayed Gale wasn't anywhere around.

"I'm a little surprised seeing you here," she said, looking through the door of the store Peeta was shopping in. "What brings you to District 7?"

"I could ask you the same thing," I said. "Aren't you and Gale in District 2 these days?"

"We do live in 2," she confirmed, nodding. "But with the baby due any day now, I decided 7 would be a much better place to stay for now. It's away from the hustle and bustle of 2 and I knew that if we stayed in 2 and had the baby there, Gale would be too tied up in the rebuilding of Panem to focus on the baby. This is my hometown. I have a few friends here. Not many and they certainly aren't family, but I wanted to come back for an extended visit."

"How's the rebuilding going?" I asked dryly. They certainly hadn't even made an attempt to rebuild 12. I wondered how the attempts were going in the other Districts. 5 had seemed pretty torn up still, even though 4 had made a pretty strong comeback. Here, 7 looked fine for the most part, although I could see that in the village down the hill from us, there were a few places that were still boarded up to hide the destruction.

"Depends on where you go," she acknowledged. "Most of the outlying Districts like 10, 11, 12, and 13 are still a mess. The Capitol, 1, 2, and 4 are mostly rebuilt. The others are somewhere in the middle. Varying stages of healing, I guess."

"So is this home now or what?" I asked.

"I wouldn't say it's our permanent home. Most of our friends are still in 2, so that's where we'll head back eventually," she said. "I see you and Peeta haven't hopped on the baby train."

Her remark felt like a smack to the face. "Some people just aren't as lucky," I retorted.

"So what? Is he just not able? I mean, they did some pretty shitty stuff to us back in the Capitol during the Rebellion. From his screams, I'd be surprised if they didn't do the same stuff to him that they did to me. I suppose it'd be worse if you were a guy since your stuff is you know, _out_ there. I'm surprised I was even able to – "

"Really, this is none of your business," I said, turning away. "Some people just don't want children."

"I didn't take Peeta as someone who would prefer to remain childless…" Johanna trailed off. "But I suppose he'd do anything for you. I guess you're the one who didn't want kids? No white picket fence and family for you?"

Johanna Mason, always the critic. Always _annoying._

Peeta walked out right at that precise moment, looking surprised to see Johanna standing there.

"Well, hey, Johanna. See things have been peachy for you lately," he said, smiling and nodding to her burgeoning baby belly. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," she said with a curt nod of her head. "Good luck to you."

She turned and headed back across the road. I watched after her for a moment while Peeta talked about his new saw. I saw Gale come out of a building in the distance and take her hand. They headed back toward the village.

I realized there weren't many things I wanted to tell Gale and I really had no desire to speak to him.

"Katniss?"

I turned to focus on Peeta.

"You okay?" he asked.

"No," I sighed. "But you're not either."

I saw the pain flicker across his eyes for an instant. "I'm pretty well today," he said, taking my hand.

For an instance, I wondered how life would be different if the Rebellion never happened, if I'd never been Reaped.

Of course, Gale and I would have been married. I probably wouldn't have had kids then, either. I'd have been too afraid that we'd struggle and they'd have to take tesserae just like I had. I'd be afraid of them being Reaped, watching them die as entertainment. And I'd be just like my mother, cold and lifeless… and Gale would be the one trying to make ends meet alone. It was depressing.

Somehow, Gale had come out on the other side of it and I hadn't. Gale had been so focused during the war – ready to make everyone pay the penalty for blowing up District 12. But eventually, he ran out of people to hurt. And after that, somehow, he had found a way to move on.

I wasn't sure why I was still spinning my proverbial tires in the same place I'd been two years ago. I wasn't sure why I wasn't able to just move on. Of course, I knew staying stagnant in my own misery wasn't helping me progress any. I hadn't let Peeta move on either.

We headed down the street, hand in hand, going back toward the train station. We were quiet as we boarded the train.

As the train left the station, Peeta took a glass from the bar and filled it with brandy. I had remembered Haymitch doing the exact same thing during the first Games.

"I think I understand why Haymitch did this now," Peeta said, taking a seat in one of the fluffy arm chairs. "It does have a relatively relaxing factor to it."

I frowned. Peeta looked over at me.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Have you realized that life has moved on for everybody else except for us?" I asked him. "District 12 is destroyed. We live by ourselves. We've built up this great farm and yet have no one to share it with. I've realized that the more we venture out of District 12, the more striking the differences are between our day to day lives and how the citizens of the other Districts live."

"What are you saying?" Peeta asked. "How exactly are we supposed to change this?"

"I don't know," I answered, feeling helpless. "There are parts of our District I'm afraid to go to. I don't want to venture too far away from the house because I'm afraid of what I'll find. I'm afraid I might see the remains of those who died when they were fire bombed. I'm afraid I might see something that reminds me of the way things used to be... In a way, things were simpler back then."

"Eventually, they might get in and clear it all out," Peeta said. "At this point, there's nothing there. But I'm like you. I don't want to venture too far back there. I mean, what good would it do us?"

"It's just that Haymitch and Effie moved on," I continued. "They got a new place, started a new life in District 8 and then had a baby. They really have very few reasons to come back to 12. And then, we just ran into Gale and Johanna… and from what she said, they're clearly happy and she feels sorry for you."

"What do you mean?" Peeta asked quickly. "Why would she feel sorry for me?"

"It's got nothing to do with you particularly. It's more that she feels sorry for you because you're stuck with me," I deadpanned.

"Did she say that?" Peeta's eyes were dark.

"Not in so many words," I said, getting up and walking toward the alcohol cabinet.

"Katniss, what did she say?"

I turned to face him, one hand on the brandy jar.

"Just that it was obvious we hadn't hopped on the baby train just yet and she wondered if you were… _virile_ ," I ground out.

"Virile?" Peeta snorted. "Did she really say that?"

"Not in so many words," I repeated again, looking down and pouring the brandy into a shot glass.

"Katniss, brandy isn't something you pour into a glass like that." He looked amused.

"I'm trying something new," I replied, glaring at him.

Peeta sighed. "I don't see why you're so upset."

"It's just like it's a joke," I said, taking the tiniest sip of brandy. It was gross. How was he drinking this stuff out of a regular glass like that?

"No one is teasing you," Peeta said softly. "They don't know what happened."

"Well, why is it that people just assume I'm a cold hearted bitch?" I asked him.

"Because you kind of were, in the war. You've softened quite a bit. But you're still far from a pushover." Peeta grinned, taking another sip of brandy.

"Do you remember those women in District 13 when we first arrived?" I asked.

"I wouldn't know. I wasn't there. I was too busy enjoying the view from my adjoining cell with Johanna in the Capitol's dungeon," Peeta said dryly.

Of course he wouldn't have known. He had spent relatively little time in 13, even less walking the underground halls as I had. The majority of his time there was spent in a cell, practically in a straightjacket.

"There were these women there. They had scars on their faces from the pox. It had ravaged through 13 and killed a great majority of their citizens. It also caused widespread infertility. So not only had their population dropped significantly from the amount of deaths that had occurred, but a whole population of people was left unable to reproduce." I sighed, looking over at him.

"Okay, and this matters why exactly?" Peeta asked, clearly confused.

"It matters because I judged them," I explained. "I couldn't figure out why these women looked at Annie and Finnick with so much disdain at their wedding and why they didn't want anything to do with some of the younger children that were in 13. It was because they were in pain and they were jealous. Just like I'm having difficulty moving on from the war, they had difficulty moving on past their emotional struggles. I can't imagine how difficult it is to want something and then find out that you might not ever have it."

"I know that feeling," Peeta said, taking a final sip of his brandy. "I know that feeling because there were certain things that I wanted… to be with you, for example, and to have a family. During the war, I was almost certain that you wanted Gale and not me. And then afterwards, I was sad that you lost Prim and blamed Gale for it, but I at least had you to lean on. And then after we lost the baby, I felt this huge loss. I had always wanted kids and then to lose ours like that… it was like coming down from a high. I couldn't make sense of it. So, I wouldn't blame them for being bitter and jealous. It's a very natural feeling."

"Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's pretty. Certain things are very ugly, even though they're natural," I replied, looking down at my meager shot glass.

"Like what?" Peeta asked, amused.

"Like poop."

* * *

We arrived back in 12 after dark. Peeta held my hand as we walked back toward the house, Belle's familiar barks in the distance.

Regardless of how long we'd been gone or how many internal battles we'd gone through, District 12 always felt like home. I couldn't imagine just picking up to another District and leaving 12 behind forever. I couldn't imagine doing what Haymitch and my mother had done. I wondered if they missed 12.

Then again, they probably missed how it used to be… which was a far cry its current state of destruction.

Coming back inside, I ventured into the hall and retrieved the memory book Peeta and I had put together after the war. There were pictures and Peeta's hand-drawn images for those we didn't have pictures of.

I took it up to our bed while Peeta was in the shower and flipped through it. Rue. Wiress. Finnick. Prim. Cato. Clove. Thresh. Mags. Maysilee. Just a few of the many, many people who were gone. The casualties of war. Was it really worth their lives?

I sighed, closing the book. It was time for me to move on. But how? How does one just move on when no matter how much they want to, the dreams continue to plague them and sneak through their subconscious?

I got up from the bed, taking the book with me and headed down the hall to an empty bedroom. It was Prim's bedroom. I put the book in her closet.

At the bottom of the closet, there was a large chest filled with her things. I opened it, gazing at the surface of her belongings. Her journal with her deepest thoughts. I knew there were various notes on herbal medicine as well as basic apothecary information she had collected scrawled on the pages. Her tonics and various other medicines. A picture of her and I when we were small. A card she'd made Mother on her birthday. Her favorite hair barrette. Her dancing shoes.

Tears fell over my cheeks as I slammed the chest shut. It was too painful.

I backed away from the chest and her clothes hanging in the closet, looking like they did the day of the Reaping for the Quarter Quell. So much time had passed, but in that instant, it felt like Prim could just walk around the corner, just like always. Like she could ask me to braid her hair one more time or fix the back of her shirt since she rarely remembered to tuck it into her skirt.

I took the key its spot hanging next to the closet door and locked it. I turned on my heel and headed out of the bedroom quickly, the key still in my hand.

I walked out the kitchen door and down the stairs. Belle barked at me, obviously confused as to why I was venturing back outside at so late an hour. It was cold out. The nights were still cold while the days were much warmer. It was always like that in early spring.

I headed up the path next to the house and through the broken electric fence toward the woods. The worn path from Peeta and I's regular excursions was easy to follow, even though the only light was from the moon.

Within a few minutes, I had reached my destination. The pond. I collapsed in front of it, unable to walk further, burying my head in my hands and sobbing. I emptied my sorrows in front of the pond with the moon and the fish in the pond being my only company, the only ones there to listen to my cries.

Prim and Finnick and Rue and the others would not want me to live my life in misery. That's not what they died for. They died so that others could live. They died so that _I_ could live. And was I really living? Was this life of misery and complacency and heartache _worth_ their spilt blood?

It wasn't. For the past two years, I hadn't let them go. I was begrudgingly angry and had let everyone know about it. And Peeta, he had stood by my side, sweet as always, knowing I was struggling and waiting for me to come to this realization.

My sister's face swam across my thoughts. Her sweet smile, so kind, so empathetic. She was never one for sympathy, but actively tried to make others' lives better.

 _Prim, I'm so sorry I let you down_ , I thought. _I'm going to do better. I'm going to make you proud of me._

I kissed the key I'd been clutching tightly. And then I threw it as hard as I could toward the pond. It landed with a quiet plop into the middle of the pond.

I got up, dirt caking my knees and messy tears all over my face. I turned and headed back home.

As the house drew closer, I could see Peeta standing outside.

He spotted me coming back through the woods. I looked like a mess.

"Katniss!" he cried, running toward me. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm better now," I said as he enveloped me into his arms.

"What happened?" he asked, using his sleeve to wipe the dried tears from my face.

"I just realized that they're waiting on me," I mumbled incoherently.

I could see Peeta's confusion.

"Who's waiting on you?" he asked, frowning.

"Prim and Rue and Finnick and the others…" I trailed off. "They're waiting on me to realize that they didn't die in vain."

"Well, of course they didn't," Peeta said, shaking his head. "But why are you a mess? Why were you in the woods?"

"I needed some alone time," I said. "I needed to sort some thoughts out. I was in Prim's closet and I just… I just lost it."

Peeta held my hand and led me back into the house. We made our way to the sitting room where he sat me down and then took a seat next to me.

"Katniss," he said, sighing. "You know you don't have to push yourself so hard. Going back into Prim's room… that's tough stuff."

"I know," I said, nodding. "But I needed to. I needed that extra push. I get it now. It all makes sense. There were other people who lost family in the war. I was lucky Prim was the only one I lost. I could have lost you."

"But you didn't," Peeta said quietly. "I'm still here. I'll always be here."

"I know," I said, leaning my head against his arm. "I know."

"And Katniss, you'll never lose Prim completely. She's always in your heart," he said. "She'll always live there, no matter whether she's here with us or not."

I nodded. "Every day that I live is a day that Prim never got to see," I continued. "So I should live it for her. I should experience everything that she never got to experience… and I shouldn't feel guilty about it anymore.

"That's only what I've been telling you since the war ended," Peeta said, grinning. "We've talked so much about the rebuilding of Panem. We need to focus on the rebuilding of Katniss too."

"Well, if you help me rebuild me, I'll help you rebuild you," I smirked.

"Sounds like a plan," Peeta said, leaning in and kissing me.


End file.
